Darkness Lifting

I started this blog to chronicle my journey through bi-polar depression without thinking that when things get dark I wouldn't have the energy or motivation to post. And that is what has kept me from posting for so long.

The depression started getting quite bad and then the anxiety kicked in. You know that suck in your breath feeling you get when something startles you? That has been my state of being for the past month or so. I wasn't sleeping well. I wasn't being well. Eating also fell by the wayside. I had no appetite and when I did try to eat it made me nauseous. It was during this period that I really minded not having weed. Weed quells the anxiety and gives me an appetite. (In 2005 I was so sick I lost 60 pounds from not eating). You may not agree with smoking weed but for me it can be a lifesaver.

My days were marked only by the tv, the programs ticking off the day until I felt tired enough to go to bed. But I knew that the next morning I'd be awake by 5 no matter what time I went to bed. It was exhausting to live in that state of anxiety.

But last week I saw my Dr and he started me on Seroquel which is helping tremendously. I'm sleeping and my anxiety has come down significantly. It's still there but at a level that is manageable. I'm also eating again.

It's hard though to try and describe to you what those weeks were like. Dark. Hopeless. Meaningless. Terrifying. You feel like it will always feel like that and things will never get better. Finally it reaches a point where you don't even care anymore. Doing the simplest of things, like having a shower, became huge challenges. There didn't seem to be any point. I didn't leave the house at all except for my appointment with my Dr. I felt like I was just going to implode at any moment.

But as I said, things are getting better. Especially since Tom accepted a full time job offer - with benefits! - and we'll be moving to Prince Edward Island. I never wanted to come to the Miramichi and I'm glad to be leaving. The 'Chi has no diversity. Here I get followed as people gawk at my tattoos.

But I have a long road ahead. Depression breaks you into a million little pieces. It strips you of your self confidence. It erases your libido. Now I have to rebuild myself and that is exhausting. Poor Tom will be glad to see my libido come back. It's been 4 months. I'm just so tired of being broken over and over and I feel like each time I rebuild I lose pieces of myself that never quite come back. And I have to not think about the fact that this is my life. That I will get broken again and again and rebuild myself again and again. It sucks.

But I'm hanging in there despite the days when it seems like I'm free falling.