And so it begins....

It's been two days now since I started the latest drug protocol - 300mg Lithium and 2mg Risperidone. I feel the usual grogginess when I first get up but am hoping that will subside as my system gets used to it. I'm a little stumbly too - rather like someone who's had a few too many.

I order to chart how I'm progressing it seems appropriate to chart where I am now...... I've been med free since last fall - and that nightmare is discussed in previous postings. I'm not as sick as I have been before and while that is good, it has also allowed me to delude myself into thinking I'm not that bad now. Comparatively speaking that is true, but all things being equal, things aren't that great.

I'm feeling stuck in a persistent, low grade depression - like how you feel when you first start to slide down that slope to Sparky. I have little energy, even less motivation and spend my days just waiting for the day to pass. The weekends are the worse when I don't have the usual tv schedule to keep me occupied. No Golden Girls at 3pm, Criminal Minds at 8pm and Friends reruns at various times throughout the day. Some days I try to craft, but my creativity is still quite compromised and crafting usually brings more conflict than the boredom it is meant to offset. It's frustrating to spend all day trying to do one small scrapbook page when I can remember doing several pages in one day. Jigsaw puzzles are great though. They give me something to focus on and you don't expect to get it all done in one sitting. I find the sorting of pieces very Zen like - by giving me something to focus on I can get lost in the process.

But mostly is the feeling of I just don't care accompanied by Why Bother? Get dressed properly instead of wearing baggy flannel pants and sweatshirts? Why bother when I don't care? And the whole dressing properly is complicated by the fact that our new house is cold and it's easier to just stayed bundled in flannel and sweats and showering everyday is just too much work and I get too cold......

And my poor husband. My libido was stifled enough on the drugs. Without it's pretty much vanished. We've been here since the last day of November and still haven't christened the place. I am lucky in that he knows it's not personal, but that doesn't make it any easier for either of us. He feels frustrated and I feel guilty. For awhile. Then I just don't care anymore.

So here's to hoping that the Lithium and Risperidone combat all that without enveloping me in lithury - my word for the wrapped in cotton sensation that I had the last time I was on Lithium.