Getting over the ustas......

Earlier today I posted a poem by Jinxi Boo that I really liked - especially the part about memory lane being a stop on the journey, not the destination itself. I am prone to getting the ustas and that part really spoke to me.

Ever had the ustas? I usta be able to work 2 jobs and go to school full time. I usta be able to handle simple decisions like which socks to wear without having an anxiety attack. I usta have a strong self image of myself as a strong, independent and capable woman. I usta be able to bounce back from depressive episodes in a matter of days. Now it can take months. I usta have a firm and toned jaw line.......

Living in the past can be seductive, destructive and oh so easy to do..... and paralyzes me. It undermines where I am now and what I'm accomplishing at this moment. And I'm realizing that it's not just the bipolar and accompanying disorders that have changed things - it's also the fact that 44 ain't 24 and 44 can't do everything as easily as 24 once did.

But it's hard, especially with my husband's family. They know me largely as someone who is "sensitive", who is unable to handle certain things like the mall on a busy weekend afternoon. I feel more defined by my limitations than my abilities. I wish I could turn on a time machine screen and show them who I "usta" be, introduce them to the woman who maintained A's in Honors Philosophy while working 70 hours at 2 jobs, have them meet the me I usta be, the me I mourn still.

I'll never get that woman back, she's long gone and I'd be loathe to give up all I've learned and experienced since then. But I'm hoping that this new drug regimen will introduce to the 44 and fierce me I know I can be.