So here I am.....

.....feeling better but still not feeling all the way there. It's been almost a month now since the new drug regimen started and I'm at the awkward place - halfway between being sick and being back to myself.
And I'm so bored...... I've been crafting like a madwoman, haha, but my paper crafting supplies are running low and I haven't quite figured out what to move to next. I have a huge stack of handmade cards to send out next week when my disability comes in. (Oh Eden, I can't wait until your surprise lands in your mailbox! I had so much fun making it!).

But crafting with depression brings it's own challenges, it's own set of usta's. I usta be able to knock out scrapbook pages in record time, the ideas would come so fast I'd be writing notes on the blank pages so I wouldn't forget them. About 5 years ago I made a scrapbook for my best friend of 30 years and I spent days working on it, filling up the pages almost as fast as I could turn them. I love to make things for my friends, I actually very rarely make things for myself. And when I make something for someone, I spell it (sort of a pun on my most favorite net name Spellflinger), that is I reflect on the person, what they mean to me, the times we've shared - I imbue whatever I'm making with good thoughts and positive energy. In the case of my heartsib, who I haven't yet been graced to meet, I spelled it with thoughts of what our time would be like together when we do get to meet.

But after my last major breakdown in 2005, my creativity has been hampered and dampened and it's never really come back full force. The enjoyment and satisfaction I get are still there, but the ideas don't come as easily or as quickly. Blank scrapbook pages challenge me. Rows of beads taunt me and material just lays there in piles. I didn't realize until this happened how much of my sense of self was connected to being creative. A page can now take all day - and much of that is spent staring at the blank whiteness waiting for inspiration to occur. And the biggest obstacle is the usta's...... I usta be able to whip them right out, I usta have idea after idea........

And now I'm at the crossroad of being sick and being well and I'm bored. My motivation is paced ahead of my concentration and everything I think of bores me. Earlier this week I laid out all my beads and beading supplies - only to put it all away again as soon as it was all laid out. I get frustrated when the ideas don't come quickly - self defeating I know but there you have it. I have lots of ideas for paper crafting but who knows when I'll be able to replenish my paper stock. I'm hoping to be able to swing a packet of paper I saw at Wal Mart a few weeks ago - 2 inches thick of my favorite colors - and $30. Thinking that with our current power bill that just can't be done but I'll be setting aside my change and hoping in a few months it will happen. But I think a trip to the dollar store is doable, they have pretty good paper there.

And I'm trying to accept the fact that my creativity may never be as it was before. It's entirely possible that my previous level was really a manifestation of mania and I'm thinking that's too high a price to pay. I can still craft, it just takes longer and I'm thinking the extra effort makes it sweeter when it's done.

But right now I'm still so bored and hoping that something will grab my fancy soon. My paper is low, but there's still beading, sewing, polymer clay..... all sorts of stuff. If you'd like a handmade card, I have lots of those!, send me an email with your mailing address and I'll add it to the pile that's going out next week!